December 5

I woke up to the warm beams of light cast down upon my body in dignified measured lines like notebook paper; the effort of the auspicious sun pushing its thawing energy through the closed blinds and massive frozen window next to me. I rolled up my sleeping bag—careful not to wrap up any of the junk littering the rest of the bed—and dragged my sleepy legs through the trampled yard to our van. Flattened beer cans and smashed plastic cups lay lifeless in the dewy frozen matted turf, as if a herd of giant marching centipedes in rain boots passed through during the course of everyone’s slumber. I fumbled from house to house identifying my band mates in the piles of sleeping bodies everywhere, calmly waking them and advising them to hop in the van; it was time to start our drive to Lafayette, LA. We graciously shook hands with those who were awake early enough to bid us adieu and thanked them for housing such an unforgettable event. The drive was a straight path West, through the lush wooded trees of Mississippi and onto the elevated roadways of Louisiana, towering high above the swampy stale marsh on sturdy columns like birds nests in elm trees. I watched as the sun slowly burnt away over the Earth’s wet silhouetted ocean, its rays dancing about the glassy surface and then reflecting off as they dissolved into the milky clouds; the sun soon tucking itself behind the planet’s shroud and letting the moon take over. We arrived to the venue and loaded all of our equipment in and soon the other bands did the same. Soon the night would turn into the most incredible story of the tour, an outcome no one was expecting. The show ran smoothly and there was a comfortable back room for band members---and only band members. There was a dubious character hanging about, being very social with the bands and interacting like he had befriended the entire tour. As the night went on, he and his girlfriend inhabited the backroom and came and left from it like they were in a band themselves. After the show the guy was helping us load out and I had a bad feeling that some of the items he was grabbing weren’t exactly making it to our trailers. I ran back into the band room and realized that 2 laptops were missing (yes, one was mine…stolen twice in a week!) and there was a bass guitar and backpack missing as well. I warned everyone outside to look for the items and the first place we thought to check was the car belonging to the irregular character hanging about. Robbie from Heavy Heavy demanded that the guy pop his trunk so we could inspect. After much hesitation from the character, force was used and we made him show us his trunk. There it was…the bass guitar sitting atop a twisted pile of clothes like a prized jewel. Busted. Robbie and Thuggy charged for the kid and knocked him down into a pile of leaves, pummeling him with fist and foot repeatedly as his sturdy frame whimpered in, deflated by the assault of strikes. I knew my laptop and the other missing items were somewhere to be found, so I watched with satisfaction as the kid was nearly being broken in half. I could feel the vibrations in the ground from the wet fleshy thud of each punch. I felt so satisfied that justice was being served and wanted to orchestrate the slaughter for hours. I despise anyone that calls someone a friend and then steals from them. He deserved every bit of damage my friends were giving him. Soon a policeman who was running security for the dance club next door came over and asked us what was going on. He was the size of a pro wrestler and had the short patience of one as well---so when the kid was not cooperating with his questions he handcuffed him and threw him to the ground. We were all surprised and very satisfied that even the police knew that beating him up was the only way to teach him a lesson. We found the laptops buried in leaves next to his car and the backpack in his car. All items were retrieved and we left quickly with permission from the authorities that had the kid in the back of a squad car bleeding and defeated. Too bad the film crew for Cops wasn’t there, it would have been quite the spectacle for all of America to see.